Necrokitty Comic Sans

13 Jul

I have good news and bad news
The good news is there is an afterlife
And pets get there too
The bad news is that in the afterlife
There is really mawkish poetry

Dear pet crematorium
Thank you for returning my cat’s ashes
Along with a candle and a white flower
(That was a nice touch)
However – I do have some questions
About the poetry

Dear pet crematorium
Can you please talk me through
The four poems you gave me
Three apparently written by my dead cat
Two of them addressing me as ‘mum’-?

Dear pet crematorium
I am no one’s mum
I’ve had some wild nights in my time
But I do not recall ever
Giving birth to a cat.
I’ve racked my brains
But I think I would remember

Dear pet crematorium
I never knew my cat could speak English
If I’d known she understood me
I’d’ve called her nicer things
Than Munchkin, Fuzzbutt and Bastardface

Dear pet crematorium
Why was she holding out on me all this time?
And are you sure this is from her?
Only I think her scansion would be better

Dear pet crematorium
It hurts that she chose to communicate
From beyond the grave
In Comic Sans

Dear pet crematorium
Why is my dead cat writing
To tell me to be strong?
She knows I’m strong
I can open all the doors and tins
She could only claw at

Dear pet crematorium
YOU DO NOT KNOW ME
YOU DO NOT KNOW MY CAT
All you know about her
Is her name
All you know about me
Is that I used to have a cat

Dear pet crematorium
You probably mean well
But you are out of your depth

Dear pet crematorium
You just brought a Clinton’s card
To a knife fight

That’s right: a knife fight

If you’d known me, or my cat, you’d know:
She was fierce
I remain fierce
And the soft underbelly of our bond
Was something earned
Not everyone gets to pet its perfect fur
Some bastards will get slashed for trying

Our bond was built in claws, swearing,
Grudging mutual respect, and time.
She was a crabby, traumatised old lady,
I was a young idiot
Who didn’t know what I’d taken on
Across four years, four homes, and fourteen different housemates
She unfurled in my care
I grew up in hers
We curled up asleep against each other
-Against the world-
Every night

Dear pet crematorium
Thanks for the suggestion
But I do not need to look for my cat
“In the first ray of sunshine”
Or “in the smile on a baby”
Or “in the clear cool water on a quiet pond”

Dear pet crematorium
Why the fuck would my cat be in a pond?!

Dear pet crematorium
Let’s all stick to our real jobs:
I am no one’s mum
My cat was not a poet
You are not spirit mediums

Dear pet crematorium
Do not put words in my dead cat’s mouth
I paid you to burn her remains
Not do a ventriloquist routine
With her memory

Dear pet crematorium
My gorgeous monster is not here
To vomit anymore
But I may do it for her

*Hairball*
*Mic drop*

Baba Yaga Mic Drop

Rest in Power

Baba Yaga

20-06-2001 – 25-06-2015

Advertisements

8 Responses to “Necrokitty Comic Sans”

  1. Judi Moore July 14, 2015 at 3:10 pm #

    that title should win a prize all by itself: sooo good!

    • hannahchutzpah July 15, 2015 at 6:43 am #

      The title was nicked from a wonderful comment from the poet Marisa Silva-Dunbar. Everything else was my own work 🙂

      …apart from the direct quotes which were really in the four real poems that they really gave me.

  2. ianosmond December 13, 2015 at 3:33 pm #

    A cat named “Baba Yaga” isn’t going over any rainbow bridge, unless it’s the one to Asgard, and she’s decided to see how many Viking gods she can mop the floor with.

    • hannahchutzpah December 13, 2015 at 4:18 pm #

      Thank you! I don’t know why that pleases me so much but it does.

      The name suited her n’ all. Less than a year before she died (with crappy kidneys and God knows what else) she was still staring off foxes in the garden. Managed to draw blood from the vet and swear a lot on that last visit and all.

      She was soppy for me, though 🙂

  3. Jackie January 11, 2016 at 4:36 am #

    I just want to tell you, your poem made me both laugh and cry. My cat was a dignified lady tabby (gray), and I know what it’s like to have an empty spot where she used to curl up in my bed. (It’s been 7 years and several beds later, I still get sniffly thinking about it.) I love the embedded tribute to Baba Yaga, and what a way to make art out of an absurd situation. You have a great gift for dark humor as well as naming your pets.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. This Week’s Links | Angelchrys - December 13, 2015

    […] Necrokitty Comic Sans by Hannah Chutzpah – Have you ever had to put a pet to sleep and were then tormented by a bunch of cheesy well-meant platitudes afterwards? This poem is for you. […]

  2. Link Roundup: Depressing Edition | cbrachyrhynchos - December 17, 2015

    […] Necrokitty Comic Sans | Hannah Chutzpah […]

  3. Necrokitty Comic Sans – video | Hannah Chutzpah - February 14, 2016

    […] at Write Angle poetry night, Sheffield. You can read the poem here, or watch it on YouTube […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: