Poem: Shithead Bingo

NB: no reflection on my current, or recent, workplaces. Job From Hell was a few years ago. 

See the poem performed.

Shithead Bingo

“This is so shit, you can tell a woman designed it”
“That is SO GAY”
“I’m not being racist, right, but”

Shithead Bingo:
A game for hostile work environments

Step one:
Create your Shithead Bingo card.

Select your targets
From stereotypes and disadvantaged groups:

  • The elderly
  • Sex workers
  • Ethnic minorities
  • Fat people
  • Thin people
  • People on benefits
  • Women with small tits
  • Female drivers
  • Child abuse survivors

This is your Shithead Bingo Card.

Create this card in your head.
You don’t want a post-it note lying around

That looks like the Alt Right’s to-do list.

Pick nine squares each week for the starter game
Or twenty five if you’re playing Pro.
You are now ready to play Shithead Bingo.

Whenever a square on your card is called
By your shitty colleagues’ shitty jokes:
Cross it off!

The bitter smile this gives you
Will distract you from digging nails into palms
Doodling violent doom
Or going to the toilet – again –
To text a friend, self-harm or cry.

“If I grow a beard I look like a dirty tramp”
“She’s just being a spastic”
“He never gets a round in. Fuckin’ Jew”

If one week you find
Every square crossed off:
You have just won at Shithead Bingo!
Throw your arms in the air and shout

Defenestrate your computer,
And any colleagues you wish.
Leave in a victory parade
Of security guards or police.

“Why don’t we just send them all back?”
“Thick people shouldn’t breed”
“The Special Olympics was so funny”

If you have been playing for weeks
And have not yet won:
Remember you are not
Wasting years of your life
Surrounded by arseholes
You are just playing
A very long game
Of Shithead Bingo.

“I got so tanned I look like a terrorist”
“This stapler is retarded”
“These are my tranny shoes”

Be strong.
You know something they don’t know:
Their punchlines are the bingo balls
Spinning in their cage,
Predictable in their horror,
Helping you to while away the day.

Don’t get cross, just cross them off!
Two fat chick jokes – 88!

If your manager
(the one with the rape jokes)
Reviews your work performance poorly
Brings up your bad attitude
And tells you to consider this a warning
Remember that he has crossed a line:
His shithead comments crossed off a whole line
By Wednesday.

Play the game.
Promise him you’ll do better.
And you will:
Next week you’ll pick a card so good
You’ll be sitting in the job centre by Friday

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