Article for the Sunday Sun

4 Mar

Back in the halcyon days of July 2011 when we weren’t sure if Rupert Murdoch would have the sheer, brazen, intelligence-insulting gall to bring out another Sunday newspaper in the wake of the News of the World scandal, my friend Reuben decided to buy up the domain name thesundaysun.net. If you go there now it’s a Godaddy wasteland, but we had our fun while it lasted.

Wikipedia says I can use this logo! Ner-ner-ner-ner http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:The_sun_logo.jpg

With article headlines like “IMMIGRANT STEALS JOB FROM LOCKED VAN” and “Cops Give Andy Coulson a Cup of Tea – at TAXPAYERS EXPENSE!” I think pretty much everyone that wrote for it was basically playing tabloid cliché bingo. Anyway, below is the article I wrote for it – reposted for posterity now that:

a) they actually have launched a Sunday edition of the Sun and

b) I’ve noticed that Reuben’s original website is down.

    DIANA BULLIED BY ASYLUM SEEKERS IN AFTERLIFE

By Wolfgang Garfunkle, afterlife correspondent

The late princess Diana has spoken of her torment at the hands of asylum seekers in the afterlife, a close medium has revealed.

Mystic Meg, 59, who has exclusive access to the Queen of Hearts has revealed that Diana has been the victim of astral bullying. Deceased foreigners have ignored her, refused to share clouds with her, and on one occasions even played ‘piggy in the middle’ with her halo.

“That was one of the lowest points of my afterlife,” she revealed. “The halo was designed for me by my dear friend Gianni Versace, and I was planning to auction it for charity.” The halo, which was dropped during the ordeal, is thought to have landed somewhere in Bermuda Triangle.

A spokesperson from Christies today said the piece was priceless, and could have raised enough money to fund the entire construction of the Jacob’s Ladder bridge. The ladder, built of filigree dreams, would have been used to give disadvantaged children holidays.

However experts warn the halo may have become carcinogenic upon re-entry to the world of the living, and It is thought that the actions of these deceased asylum seekers has dramatically reduced house prices in Bermuda.

(This article originally appeared on thesundaysun.net, but it doesn’t seem to be there anymore. It has been brought to my attention that there is actually a real person going by the name of Wolfgang Garfunkle who plays bass. The similarity of name is purely coincidental and I was just trying to make up something cool/ridiculous sounding. I suspect, perhaps, so was he.)

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